I love gospel. I swear, I’d be religious if I was black.

As I was standing at the bus stop this morning, so cold that I was considering pissing myself for the heat, it occurred to me that George Michael is a big fat liar.

 This conclusion I arrived at as Club Tropicana came on my ipod.  There I was, at the bus stop with frozen eyeballs, listening to him warble on about fun and sunshine.  It was a bad choice of song.  But I can never skip past Club Tropicana, for it is mine and jo’s song, as it were.

So, I thought, I’ve never really listened to the words of this before, even tho I’ve shouted them at the top of my lungs in many a sweaty fleapit.  Here was my findings:

At Club Tropicana drinks are free
Fun and sunshine, there’s enough for everyone
All that’s missing is the sea
But don’t worry, you can sun tan

Now, putting aside the fact that this is ludicrous and that it’s 5 days before Christmas and I am talking about a tropical resort some place, consider the very next line:

Castaways and Lovers meet
Then kiss in Tropicana’s heat
Watch the waves break on the bay
Soft white sands, a blue lagoon
Cocktail time, a summer’s tune
A whole night’s holiday!

Now, call me irrational, and maybe it was the extreme sub-zero temperature bus stop wait, but he has just totally contradicted himself!  

All that’s missing is the sea … watch the waves break on the bay … soft white sands … blue lagoon …

Now, I’m no scientologist, but there is clearly waves on the beach which would be in my mind, the sea!  So the sea is not missing!  It’s right there! 

This is, I will admit a very trivial matter, but it really riled me that he kept trilling on about it when he was clearly just too lazy to think of something to rhyme with free.  I’m willing to bet that there is at least some sort of wristband/token scheme for the drinks too.

Perhaps he was so dazzled by Andrew Ridgeley’s tight white shorts to put his eyes anywhere else? Perhaps Pepsi and Shirley had put up giant screens round the resort to hide the sea from view? Who knows!

Tune in next time when I character-assassinate Amy Winehouse for her clear lack of foresight when penning a song about rehab!


2 thoughts on “I love gospel. I swear, I’d be religious if I was black.

  1. well, if the waves are in the lagoon then I suppose it is not technically the sea but can you even get waves in a lagoon? I would guess it would still be near enough to the sea that you could still see the sea though. It’s a complex subject. I suggest you contact a lagoonologist.

  2. Well see, he is saying there is a bay and a lagoon – so the waves are breaking on the bay (of the sea) and there is a lagoon on top of that. Thus, he is an liar. I think your idea of the lagoonologist tho is a good one – there doesn’t seem to be one on Google, but I am sure UFindUs will have one!

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